Ben Richard Griffiths

Ben Richard Griffiths
02.02.92 -23.02.92
Bens story

I discovered i was pregnant in August 1992 with my first child, a dream come true, i was going to be a mother.

As the months passed you began to kick and i could feel your movements, that was just so amazing, you were really ther.

Towards the end of Jan i began to loose little trickles of water, i thought little of it, i went to bed and felt a gush , i knew then something was wrong.When i saw it was actually blood, my heart stopped.
I went to hospital and they checked your heart beat i was told you were fine and that the earlier water loss, i was proberly mistaking and it was urine!!!! I tried to say i knew the difference.

I was discharged and went home to bed. The next day i had bad pains in my back that grew worse til i could nt bear it and called the doc, i was convinced i was in labour, the doc said i wasnt, but to be on the safe side he d send me back to hospital.

I was told at the hosp my contractions were more than likely braxton hicks and i was put in a room for the night.

The pain got worse and worse i called a nurse who eventually monitered me and finally agreed i was definately in labour. I was put on a drip to try and stop it as i was only 27 weeks prem, but i was told the drip wasn t working and i was 4 cm dilated.

At 8.42am, on 02.02.92 I gave birth to you my tiny baby boy.

I only ever heard you make one yell and then you were whisked off to be ventilated as you couldn t breathe on your own.

You were taken 40 miles away to a scbu, i followed by ambulance that evening.

Iwalked up to your incubator, you were so small, i was shocked at all yout tubes and wires that were keeping you alive. You had my nose and eyes and hair colour, i was bowled over with love for you.

Next day your lungs collapsed, they cut your side open and fitted a drain, there was blood on your blankets, you were so tiny to go through so much pain and i felt so useless not being able to help you.

You spentall day and night asleep, you were drugged up on morphine, i expresses my milk, which was fed to you via a drip, but you developed a stomach condition and so this had to be stopped, you had jaundice and a eye infection causing your eyes to swell up and weep.

You needed so much oxygen there was a chance your lungs would collapse again and i was told if this happened there was nothing else that could be done for you.

I sat with you for days, talking about the beach and football , wishing you wre safe, loving you.

On 23rd Feb we were woken up in the early hours to be told you wre dying, you were took off the ventilator and at long last you were given to me to hold.
I sat with you, i held you and i cried. After half an hour you seemed to be improving, you wre put back in your incubator, my hopes soared but you soon fell back into the path of deterioration.

you wre wrapped up again and given back to me, you opened your eyes fo the first time and looked straight into mine, i really belive this was your way of saying goodbye.

you died quietly in my arms, i tried to send you away with as much love as had bought you to me.

Funeral day was the hardest thing, so unreal yet so bloody real at the same time.

I feel proud i was blessed with such a brave little boy as you. You went through more pain and suffering in 3 weeks than most will know in a lifetime.

You will always be my son and i hope we will be together again one day, so as i can be the mother to you, i could never be whilst i was alive, i hope there is a place for us Ben.

Whereever youare now, i hope you are happy and free from pain, i belive you live on somewhere and i take comfort in that, i just wish you could have stayed with me.

I love you endlessly little Ben

Mummy xxxx


To help me

PLEASE don t ask me if i m over it yet
I ll never be over it
PLEASE don t tell me he s in a better place
He isn t here with me
PLEASE don t say, at least he isn t suffering
I don t understand why he had to suffer at all
PLEASE don t tell me you know how i feel
Unless you ve lost a child
PLEASE don t ask me if i feel better
Bereavement isn t a condition that just clears up
PLEASE don t tell me , at least you had him for a little while
When would you choose for your child to die
PLEASE don t tell me God never gives us more than we can bear
PLEASE just say that youre sorry
PLEASE just say that you remember my child if you do
PLEASE just let me talk about my child
PLEASE mention my childs name
PLEASE just let me cry